Through the Grapevine

Through the Grapevine

by Michael Shimek

         Have you heard about the new winery down in Pondsdale? You know, the one that opened last year. You haven’t? Oh, my. Well, then you must visit! I, personally, have not yet had the chance to visit the fine establishment, but many who have stopped by never stop raving about the family-run business.

         Their tours are amazing!

         They serve and distribute only the best!

         Nothing but high quality!

         And then, of course, there are the wildly positive reviews made from some of the harshest wine critics. Wine Quarterly gave it five out of five stars--only the fourth time to happen in their twenty years of publication. Senior editor Mary Anderson from VINO called the winery the “next big thing to enter the market.” Even French wine critic Jean-Pierre Dubois--notoriously known for striking down popular and high-end winemakers--named Chateau Bonvilia as the best new winery in America. News stations from California to New York have run stories, and any A-list celebrity who really matters in Hollywood has been tagged by the paparazzi inside sipping the delicious varieties of ambrosia.

         Though I’ve never been, I have had the fortunate opportunity to try a few of their delectable bottles, and let me tell you, it really is nectar for the gods. The sweet liquid on your tongue’s taste buds is like heaven in your mouth. A blissful daydream that takes you away to wherever your heart desires. And the varieties! My favorite so far is the Chateau Flower, a blend “as sweet as a rose.” I have yet to try them all, but I will. Oh, I will. A visit for one of their tours is a must. Not only is the gorgeous land breathtaking, a specialty wine is made only available at the end of these most-talked about tours. So, if you’re a connoisseur dedicated to tasting them all, then you need to make an appointment ASAP, because spots are filling up months in advance.

         What was that, you say? You’ve heard about the tours? Then you must have heard the fantastic reviews! Oh, you’re talking about the rumors that have been spreading. Forget about those tales of speculation and gossip, they are false and baseless! No, no, there haven’t been any reports of people missing days after visiting the winery. And, no, drinking their wine will not cause you to sprout leaves of green--I hope I am speaking to someone intelligent enough to know a person cannot bud the berry from their body. Again, those are fabricated--not to mention insanely half-baked--reports sent out to smear the good name of the Bonvilia family and their succulent wine. It is absurd to think such a fine establishment would be involved in such a secret and preposterous conspiracy. I can assure you, everything at the Chateau is on the up-and-up.

         How do I know this for a fact? Do I work for them? Of course not! I’m just an aficionado of the fermented grape drink. In fact, I have a little sample bottle right here in my bag. Would you care for a sip?

End