Tales of the Undead - Suffer Eternal: volume II

Tales of the Undead - Suffer Eternal: volume II is now available for the kindle. It was edited by Nathan Rowark, published by Horrified Press, and has many great stories by many great writers.
It's cheap, only $3! And be sure to check out my story, "No Feelings for the Immortal Man," too!

http://amzn.to/11mOQ5e

The Sirens Call eZine

I recently had a story accepted and published in the latest issue of The Sirens Call eZine. The issue is #8, the April issue. It has a bunch of other great stories by great writers...and it's free!

Sirens Call Publications

Substitue Faith for Doubt

Substitute Faith for Doubt

by Michael Shimek

It was the thinnest of veils. A curtain of magic to hide the gateway -- it wasn’t really magic, but because the human mind could never hope to understand the true workings, it was the closest word to fit the definition. It took space on a spectrum of light not visible with the naked eye. Those staring directly at it would never suspect a thing out of the ordinary, even though it was the most unordinary thing in the world. Kathy certainly didn’t see anything, and she stood within a few millimeters of it.

“So,” she said, gripping her husband’s sweaty and clammy hand, “what exactly am I supposed to be looking at? All I see is a swing set.”

“You won’t see anything if you don’t believe.” Joseph Waltz turned from the old and rundown equipment that held him in a trance and looked at the love of his life, a sadness staining his eyes. “And you can’t see anything now because we’re not inside yet. You have to step over this piece of wood.”

Kathy looked down to where he pointed and saw something that did not belong naturally in the sparse forest. About as long as one of her arms, the hunk of wood was as fresh as lumber in a sawmill. Long grass grew as high as her shins, but the greenery avoided the wood as if it were the plague. Beautiful lines of grain etched along the surface to form a masterpiece worthy of being hung in the Louvre. It was gorgeous, and definitely out of place, but other than that she didn’t see anything special about the piece of wood.

“And once I step over this, I will magically be transported to a different world?”

“Fine,” he said bluntly. “If you don’t want to do this, then you can go back to the car. It’s bad enough that my coworkers and friends think I’m crazy; I don’t need someone I thought cared about me judging me by my side.”

A dagger sliced through Kathy’s heart. She did care about him; she cared about him deeply. At first she thought his ranting and ravings were just a joke and she played along. Then it became serious, affecting his job and social life, not to mention putting a wedge in their ten-year marriage. She wanted to help him, thinking it was probably some repressed memory from his childhood -- he always talked about traveling to some fantastical place as a kid. And she desperately wanted to believe him, but it was a little hard when everything he said made absolutely no sense.

With tears forming in her eyes, she took hold of Joe and wrapped him in the tightest hug. “I’m here for you no matter what. Okay? I love you more than anything and would travel to Hell with you if that’s what it took to be by your side.” She smiled with relief as he hugged her back just as hard.

“I’m sorry. I know you’re here for me. I’m sorry. This is just all very hard.”

“It’s okay. Now, show me what I need to do.”

“I...”

“What is it?”

“I’m scared. It’s why I’m here. I’m scared for my friends on the other side, I want to help them, but I...I don’t know if I can do this. It’s too much for me to handle. I left them. I told them I would come back, but...it’s been so long.”

Kathy squeezed Joe’s hand. “I’m sure everything will be fine. Have a little faith in yourself. And, remember, I’m here.”

Joe inhaled and exhaled loudly before taking a step forward. “Here it goes,” he said.

Kathy followed her husband’s lead, stepping over the piece of wood on the ground. She felt and saw an immediate change, but it was a change she couldn’t put words to. Everything looked the same, but everything was also just...off, somehow. Was everything brighter? Was everything blurred just a tad? Was everything shifted a hair out of place? She couldn’t tell, but something was different.

“Do you see that?” Joe asked.

“Yeah,” she said in an awed whisper. “What is it?”

“I call it The Fancy In-between,” he said. “Because even though everything might look old, it has a fancy quality to it. Don’t you think?”

It could be called no other name. “I agree,” she said. Before she could continue, Joe grabbed her arm and pulled her toward the swings.

“Here, we have to sit on these.”

“They look old and rusty. Won’t they break?”

“They’ve always looked like this, and I never had a problem before. All you do is sit down and swing. After a minute or so…well, you’ll see.”

Joe sat down on the right swing, leaving the left open for Kathy. She stared at the wooden seat, reluctant to copy her husband. She never thought anything would really happen when they had arrived, but after stepping over that piece of wood, reality was playing a mean trick by messing with her sense of perception. Anything could happen if she sat on that swing.

“Come on,” Joe said, already three full swings into his back and forth motion. “It’s perfectly safe. I promise.”

A pleasurable vibration greeted Kathy’s fingertips as she traced her hand up and down the rusty chain. She bent over until her rear found contact. She eased her weight and lifted her legs. Every memory involving a swing from her childhood hit her like a happy nostalgic slap to the face, a smile the resulting injury. Any apprehension was lifted and thrown away. She couldn’t remember the last time she felt so carefree and alive. After a few pumps of her legs she found her rhythm.

“This is so fun!” she screamed in delight. “Oh, Joe, I’ve forgotten how fun this is!”

Kathy almost gasped when she turned to her husband, almost -- there was something that took away the initial fear and replaced it with pleasure. Joe’s swinging had become faster than humanly possible. He was nothing but a blur, broken down to colors of a single curved line from the stroke of a paintbrush. If it had been any other place, at any other time, Kathy would have gone into shock. Not here, not now. There wasn’t a single thing that could replace her bliss.

“Joe? Joe, are you there?”

“I’m here.” It was only a faint breeze, but it was Joe’s voice. “Just keep swinging, Kathy. And don’t worry, I’m here.”

Her swinging became faster and faster. The forest zipped by. The world became on unfocused green that grew brighter by the second. Soon, everything was awash in white, and all Kathy could do was close her eyes and keep swinging.

#

“Kathy? Are you okay?”

She hadn’t realized she had passed out until she came to and opened her eyes. A man with thinning hair, striking blue eyes, and a day’s worth of stubble stared down at her: Joe.

“What happened?” she asked.

“We’re here. We made it.”

But Kathy could see the despair in his face. Something was wrong. He stepped out of view before she could say anything, revealing the somberness.

A grey sky with rolling, thunderous clouds threatened to tear apart the atmosphere. She sat up and saw the bleak land spreading off into the distance. They were on top of a high hill of dirt and weeds. A dead forest crawled down the right side of the hill, trailing down until it disappeared into a deep fog. The left side of the hill was nothing but a cliff of jagged rocks. An old path wound out before them. Kathy could tell it was once a gorgeous road with intricate designs, but now, everything was worn away from an old and forgotten history. It led down into a valley that melted into a desert wasteland of death. Small mountains loomed far away, covering the entire horizon. Life had vacated this world and left it a barren mess.

“It’s all gone,” Joe said, tears streaming down his face. “All of it.”

“Oh, honey. I’m so sorry.” Kathy was in such awe that she almost forgot about her husband. She grabbed and hugged him close. “I take it this isn’t how this place is supposed to look.”

“No,” he said shaking his bowed head. “No, it’s not. This world was once a place of magic and charm. Unique and elegant people and creatures roamed the lands. And now it’s all gone. It’s all...dead.”

Joe slumped to the ground. He cradled his head in his arms and began to sob. Kathy sat down next to him and held him for support. She tried her best to soothe and comfort her husband.

“What was it like?” she asked.

“What?”

“What was it like? When you first came here, what did it look like?”

He took a moment to sniffle and wipe the tears from his eyes before talking. “I was only eight. One day after school, a group of bullies attacked me. They ran me off until I got lost in those woods. When I found the swings, all of my sadness disappeared. I started swinging and soon found myself here. Except it was so different, so much more magical.

“Vibrant colors picked from a Claude Monet painting plastered the land. This dead forest to our right was once a thick jungle of mystery, home to many people and creatures. The rubble to our left was once just another side to this hill, leading down to a river that flowed into a large lake to our south. The path before us was once etched with magic and splendid craftsmanship. It weaved through villages and towns that sprawled the land. There were so many different people and cultures. Oh, Kathy, I wish you could have seen it in its prime. It was such a fantastical place! If you followed the road, it cut deep into the mountains and eventually brought you to Lootian Kingdom, the main city.”

“It sounds like a wonderful world,” Kathy said.

“It was.” Joe sighed. “But it’s all gone. Everything is dead and dried up. There’s nothing left, Kathy. When I was younger and my father found a job in a different state, I knew that moving would mean I could never come back. The last time I visited, there was a dark force threatening those that wanted peace among the lands. I thought everything had been settled when the evil had been destroyed. Everyone thought it had been vanquished. I almost stayed, stayed for good, just to make sure. I should have stayed...”

“Joe, this isn’t your world. If you had stayed, what would your parents have thought? You would have ended up on a milk carton. Plus, I would have never met you. Knowing you, I’m sure you did the best you could.” She kissed him on the cheek.

“Thank you,” he said.

“I know it looks hopeless, but maybe it’s not all lost.”

“It sure all looks gone to me. There’s nothing living for--"

Joe stopped abruptly as he stared ahead with wide eyes. Kathy followed his gaze and came upon a faint pink light in the distance. It was a striking contrast to the drab environment, and it was getting bigger and closer. She gripped him in fear. Joe held her. She saw excitement his face -- something not seen in months -- as the light approached them. It was so bright that the floating source could not be seen beneath the brilliant glow.

An angelic voice spoke. “Joseph of Earth, you have returned.”

“Brynrial? Is that you?”

“It is. You have been gone a long time.”

Joe bowed his head in shame. “I know. I’m sorry.”

“Have no worries. Now that you have returned, we will claim victory against the evil one and gain back what was once ours.”

“Are you the only one left?” he asked with a worried look.

“Of course not,” Brynrial said. “We have all survived. Nature and the land has been the only casualty, but it will thrive once again. Come, I will show you our new home, and quite a home it is, I might add. Follow me.”

The light began to move but then stopped.

“What is it?” Joe asked.

“You are not alone,” the light said. “You have brought a friend.”

Still frightened to the bone, Kathy hadn’t even noticed she had been forgotten. She made sure to never lose her hold on Joe.

“Oh, how rude of me,” Joe said. “Kathy, this is Brynrial, an old friend of mine when I was younger. Brynrial, this is my wife, Kathy.”

“Ah. Kathy is your Equal. I am very happy for you, Joseph of Earth. Now, follow me before we are seen. Dark Destroyer will not like that you are back amongst us.”

The light began to drift away, and Joe pulled Kathy along to follow. She was reluctant to move, but Joe tried his best to reassure her.

“Don’t worry,” he said. “Brynrial is a good friend. If what she says is correct, then you’ll get to meet everyone else, too.”

She could see the excitement in him, but there was something the light alluded to. “Joe? Who is the Dark Destroyer?”

“He’s the one who’s done all of this.” He gestured to the broken lands. “He’s a plague. He’s evil. There was a plan set up to defeat him…but it must not have worked.”

“Unfortunately, you are right,” the light from ahead said. “The Dark Destroyer had been one step ahead of us. The plan would have worked, but there was an unforeseen element no one was prepared for. There was nothing you could have done, Joseph of Earth. He had us all fooled.”

Silence hung above them like a child’s mobile made with dangerous, sharp knives. It was only after several minutes of walking did Brynrial finally break the awkwardness.

“We are here.”

After passing the ruins of once a thriving village, the light had beckoned them to a very large boulder about the size of a two-story home. A sweet, soft song vibrated from Brynrial  -- the sound waves impossibly visible -- and the large rock shook. Slow at first, the motion sped until the boulder was no more and a single door rose from the ground in its place. Framed in a sparkling purple, the black, wooden door opened.

“Oh, wow.” The words escaped Kathy’s lips without any thought.

On the other side of the door was a whole new world. The pink Brynrial drifted through, followed by Joe, and finally by a weary, but an excited and open-minded, Kathy.

There was no sky, for as far as the eye could see rocks of all colors encased the world. They were in the largest cave Kathy or Joe had ever seen. Pillars higher than the tallest skyscrapers connected the rocky floor to the rocky ceiling, a ceiling that was so high it was almost impossible to see. Chasms deeper than the Grand Canyon etched along the ground. Vegetation grew everywhere, lining the ground, walls, and pillars. Houses were carved into the stone, and huts were propped up in the flatter areas. Small villages and large towns spanned out in every direction, with a vast city glinting in the distance. People walked along made roads and paths, and creatures snaked along the ground and soared through the air. Everything was full of life, a much needed change from the dead world they had just left behind.

Brynrial pulsed her light in a rippling rhythm, drawing the attention of those near the portal between worlds. Kathy gasped at those rushing to greet them.

Many looked human, and many did not. Some had horns, and some had fur. Some had extra appendages, and some downright didn’t have any appendages at all. Those were the ones who most resembled humans. Those like Brynrial came in all different shapes, sizes, and forms. Things with wings fluttered from the sky. Orbs and mists hovered into view. Living flora crawled from the ground while large, tree-like beings stomped up with their thick, trunk legs. It was an eclectic crowd, one to draw a gasp from anyone.

Looking at Joe, Kathy could see a joy she had never seen before in those watery eyes of her husband. He looked at home.

The growing crowd parted. People and creatures cleared a path as a commanding character marched forward. Humanoid in shape, the list of human resemblances stopped there. As hefty as a gorilla and as tall as a giraffe, skin of blue leaves and golden fur waved with every movement. Like a shaggy dog, no further details could be seen through the thick coat that acted as clothing.

“Joseph of Earth, you have returned.” As the deep voice boomed, whiskers and foliage rustled on the head. “It is good to see you.”

The large figure and Joe met in an embrace that completely enveloped Kathy’s husband. All she could do was stand in shock and a surprisingly comforting awe. Confused but curious, she let everything play out without interference.

“I’ve missed all of you so much,” Joe said. “It’s been way too long.”

“It has been quite some time,” the furry and leafy beast said. “We have fared well and prospered in your absence, even through dark times. As you can see, we have a whole new world!” A large arm gestured to the thriving underground society. “The portal opened during a time in need, much like when you had first arrived at your young age. The life here was scarce, welcoming us to keep it thriving. Together, everyone shares the abundant space this world has to offer.”

“I’m so glad you all are well. I got worried when I arrived and found everything destroyed.”

“The Dark Destroyer gained his title for a reason.” A mop of fur and leaves patted Joe on the back. “And now that you are back, we can rid the evil presence from all universes for good!”

A cheer erupted from the surrounding crowd. Kathy couldn’t help but smile as she saw the sheer joy in Joe’s face. There was no more fear; there was nothing to be frightened of.

Or so she thought.

Then it dawned on her. Joe had been called back for a reason. They needed his help. Somehow, Joe was supposed to vanquish a dangerous and evil being capable of destroying a whole world. She feared for her husband.

Before the loud whoops could die down, Kathy stole Joe from the crowd.

“Joe, what is going on?”

“This is amazing! Kathy, all of my friends are still here! You’ll meet every one. There’s -- "

“Joe, stop for a second. That’s all great. I really mean it. But that thing -- "

“Grandinfu. His name is Grandinfu.”

“Okay. Grandinfu mention destroying the Dark Destroyer ‘now that you are back.’ What’s that supposed to mean?”

“They probably have a new plan to defeat him. And, like last time, I will help.”

“Joseph! Are you serious? This is dangerous!”

“I’ve done this before and no one was hurt.”

“You were a child! That was all…”

“What? Fake? You can see now that it isn’t. Have faith, Kathy, like you had faith in me. Yes, the Dark Destroyer is dangerous and strong, but my friends are stronger. There are forces of magic and power here you haven’t even begun to see. Not only are there spells and incantations that work like magic, feelings and emotions have power as well.”

Kathy was hoisted in the air by an invisible force. Joe did the same and together they hovered while lights of white and orange flickered around them like a swarm of fireflies. They kissed passionately before landing softly back on the ground.

“Wow,” Kathy said. “What was that?”

“That was love, my dear.” Joe lightly kissed her again. “It is a powerful tool that will help us in our noble cause. Evil can never triumph.”

Kathy had never seen such courage and confidence exerted from her husband. Usually a more cautious man, Joe’s personality shifted to a side only hinted at during their marriage. It was exhilarating, and it made her very proud to be his wife.

“Joe, this is all too real and moving way too fast.”

“I know, Kathy. But I have to help. I understand if you don’t want to stay here. I understand if you want to go back, and I will be back, too; I promise. You have to trust me on this, though. Have a little faith in my friends and me. Everything will be fine.”

He spoke the truth. She could feel it. With him around, she would always be safe.

“I’ll stay,” she said. “I’ll help you in any way I can.”

“Then it’s settled,” Grandinfu said, budding into the conversation. “You will both help us in our cause.” He turned to the still growing crowd and boomed: “Joseph of Earth has returned! He and his Equal will join us in reclaiming our land!”

Kathy smiled as Joe hugged and kissed her passionately in front of a bunch of strangers. She didn’t care. All worry was lost. She had no doubt that her future adventures would end up favorably on the good and righteous side.

###

Letting Monsters into the World

Letting Monsters into the World

by Michael Shimek

“The pursuit of knowledge is hopeless and eternal.”

                                    -Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth

         Standing in front of his apartment’s doorway to the outside, Leif was reluctant to face the inevitable. His trembling hand rested on the handle. Apprehension, guilt, shame, and depression all mixed into a chaotic bag of emotions. His stomach knotted up, he could feel beads of sweat pop out from his glands, and his heart beat faster than a hummingbird flapping its wings.

         And it wasn’t because of the three creatures that hovered around him.

         They surrounded him, each one menacing in their own different way. On his left, a humanoid shape as dark as oil stared at him with eyes made of orange flames. On his right, a demon made of barbed spikes and armored plates towered over him. And directly in front of him, as if melding with the door, hung a head that chomped at his neck with vicious, pointed fangs. Leif could tell that all three would tear him to pieces if they could.

         It was a good thing they couldn’t.

         Taking in a few breaths to relax his nerves, Leif ignored his posse of monsters and turned the door handle.

         An immediate roar of hisses and boos erupted—damn, he had been recognized right away. As the sunny day opened up, so did the view of his fans of haters. They all cursed and sent threats in his direction. Some held up signs to promote their loathing speeches. Some sang songs of disgust, while others held objects they yearned to throw; thankfully, several police officers helped control the crowd from any physical violence.

         If only the people of the world knew how much worse things could be.

         He was going to regret ever stepping outside. But, how could he not? Becoming a hermit was definitely an option, but Leif would rather kill himself than hole up and never leave his apartment. He knew the day would come when he had to face the world. He knew there would be people who would always have a grudge against him. The people of the world had every right to abhor him. Hell, he wasn’t even a huge fan of himself at the moment.

         It was all because of one little mistake: Leif Halverson had allowed monsters to enter the world.

         He hadn’t meant for it to happen; it had been an accident. All he wanted to do was peer into other universes, to gaze upon the beauty of unknown cosmic mysteries. He had no idea at the time of the true ramifications of messing with secrets better left alone.

         As a scientist, conquering and understanding knowledge drove his brain. His daydreaming mind constantly questioned his physical and mental environments. Everything fascinated Leif. He wanted to learn more, to learn everything about everything. Little did he know that delving into the strange study of fringe science would end up ruining the entire world.

         It had all started when Leif attended college at the age of twelve. With an IQ level over 150, the child prodigy had found a whole new world open to him—his bible thumping mother had restricted his studies while living at home, and going off to college provided him with the freedom he so rightly needed. The first year had been boring, taking classes the university forced him to take. But the second year, oh the second year, would forever remain etched inside Leif’s head; it was the year he would meet the man who would change his life, and the world’s, forever.

         After becoming well known among the staff and faculty, he befriended a Professor Marty Fenton. Marty was an eccentric drug user who taught Advanced Quantum Physics 101 and, although his methods and thinking got him into trouble more often than not, he was one of the smartest people in North America. At the age of fourteen, by the time he graduated with his first degree in Astrophysics, Leif was a regular attendee of all of the professor’s lectures and speeches. At fifteen, he and Professor Fenton were regular buddies who enjoyed bouncing crazy philosophies off of each other. At sixteen, Leif had two degrees and occasionally dipped into hallucinogens while contemplating questions of the universe with his new hero and role model.

         It was with Professor Fenton’s help that Leif would eventually find a way to peer and tap into other universes.

         Together, the two friends began work on creating a machine—a machine now confiscated by the government and sealed away in a secret location—that would open up new worlds for the human race, worlds accessible right here on planet Earth. Unfortunately, Professor Fenton would never see his dream become a reality due to an untimely car accident. Leif vowed to finish the project. Five years after starting their experiments, and two years after the professor’s death, Leif finished the large, bus-sized structure in a warehouse he inherited after his colleague’s passing. All alone, except for the various videos set up to record every minute detail, he flipped the switch to turn the machine on.

         He had expected a window, a viewing portal into one of the universes he and Professor Fenton thought they had detected. That was it, only a hole to gaze through and examine the other side. Nothing was supposed to traverse the gateway.

         Of course, life has a way of taking a person’s ideas and adding its own little twist into the equation.

         Leif ignored his memories and looked past the crowd of boos and hisses. He looked at the city beyond the people, at the new world he had help create.

         Shadows of an infinite black abyss soared through the skies. Entities with fiery eyes, shapeless blobs of grotesqueness, and creatures as large as buildings roamed the streets and alleyways. Their eyes bore into the soul. Mouths of razor knives snapped at random citizens. They materialized out of nowhere and popped out from behind corners to scare anyone in their way.

         An estimated one hundred million had already entered the world, a number that rose everyday—at least the average number entering per day was in a decline, stated by official reports. They were a nuisance, Leif argued, and nothing else. Although terribly frightening in looks, they were nothing more than apparitions. Not a single case had been found where one could physically interact with this universe, passing through tangible materials like a ghost. They were harmless, but they were also never-ending.

         Watching the monsters wander around like people, Leif saw a bottle fly from the crowd. The green glass shattered at his feet on the pavement, followed by hoots from the mob it sailed from. Someone threw another bottle. Leif sidestepped the second one and dashed back into the building before the third had a chance to make contact. He let out a sigh of relief as he came face to face with Black Death.

         Black Death: the name given to the first being from the other universe to climb through the portal. The humanoid figure, a bulky and muscular fellow, was pitch-black. Eyes that changed different shades of orange followed Leif, because since coming into the world, it never left his side.

         He ignored the being. He ignored them all. He shrugged everything off and walked back to his apartment, back to where he could work on more positive thoughts and ideas.

         Like working on his new project.

         Just because the government denied Leif from tinkering with his previous invention, and forbade him from continuing the line of work that got him into this mess, did not mean he was going to obey whatever “The Man” told him to do. Leif Halverson was a person who lived by his own rules, a person who lived to explore and discover newfound mysteries in the name of science no matter the cost.

         Soon, Leif would begin his next project, and his next project would show the human race the true dangers of other universes.

END

Through the Grapevine

Through the Grapevine

by Michael Shimek

         Have you heard about the new winery down in Pondsdale? You know, the one that opened last year. You haven’t? Oh, my. Well, then you must visit! I, personally, have not yet had the chance to visit the fine establishment, but many who have stopped by never stop raving about the family-run business.

         Their tours are amazing!

         They serve and distribute only the best!

         Nothing but high quality!

         And then, of course, there are the wildly positive reviews made from some of the harshest wine critics. Wine Quarterly gave it five out of five stars--only the fourth time to happen in their twenty years of publication. Senior editor Mary Anderson from VINO called the winery the “next big thing to enter the market.” Even French wine critic Jean-Pierre Dubois--notoriously known for striking down popular and high-end winemakers--named Chateau Bonvilia as the best new winery in America. News stations from California to New York have run stories, and any A-list celebrity who really matters in Hollywood has been tagged by the paparazzi inside sipping the delicious varieties of ambrosia.

         Though I’ve never been, I have had the fortunate opportunity to try a few of their delectable bottles, and let me tell you, it really is nectar for the gods. The sweet liquid on your tongue’s taste buds is like heaven in your mouth. A blissful daydream that takes you away to wherever your heart desires. And the varieties! My favorite so far is the Chateau Flower, a blend “as sweet as a rose.” I have yet to try them all, but I will. Oh, I will. A visit for one of their tours is a must. Not only is the gorgeous land breathtaking, a specialty wine is made only available at the end of these most-talked about tours. So, if you’re a connoisseur dedicated to tasting them all, then you need to make an appointment ASAP, because spots are filling up months in advance.

         What was that, you say? You’ve heard about the tours? Then you must have heard the fantastic reviews! Oh, you’re talking about the rumors that have been spreading. Forget about those tales of speculation and gossip, they are false and baseless! No, no, there haven’t been any reports of people missing days after visiting the winery. And, no, drinking their wine will not cause you to sprout leaves of green--I hope I am speaking to someone intelligent enough to know a person cannot bud the berry from their body. Again, those are fabricated--not to mention insanely half-baked--reports sent out to smear the good name of the Bonvilia family and their succulent wine. It is absurd to think such a fine establishment would be involved in such a secret and preposterous conspiracy. I can assure you, everything at the Chateau is on the up-and-up.

         How do I know this for a fact? Do I work for them? Of course not! I’m just an aficionado of the fermented grape drink. In fact, I have a little sample bottle right here in my bag. Would you care for a sip?

End